How to live with a narcissistic partner?

7 September 2022 Dr. Anne - psychologist

Living with a narcissistic husband, wife or partner, or anyone else with narcissistic traits is undoubtedly challenging. What is narcissm? Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of the narcissist’s life: from work and friendships to family and love relationships. People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it’s causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others. What’s more, they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks. For the people in the narcissist’s life, it’s often easier just to go along with their demands to avoid the coldness and rages. However, by understanding more about narcissistic personality disorder, you can spot the narcissists in your life, protect yourself from their power plays, and establish healthier boundaries. How to handle this in a relationship?

People with narcissistic behaviours are usually charming in the beginning.However, their self-centred view makes it difficult for them to develop strong long-term relationships. Your husband’s lack of empathy may even put your safety at risk. Living with a narcissistic husband can feel like you’re constantly walking on a tightrope. I wouldn’t be surprised if, over time, you’ve found yourself increasingly irritated, frustrated, stressed or desperately hurt by them – and perhaps even scared.You may have got into a spiral of negativity, with disappointments stacking up and dragging you down.Your self-esteem is likely to have suffered a downturn due to his constant criticism and rejection of you. Yet, you may still love your husband or perhaps think you do.

Top 8 tips for surviving and dealing with a narcissistic partner

1. Be safe!

First and foremost, be safe – emotionally, psychologically and physically. Don’t allow your partner to violate your boundaries. If you don’t feel safe – stop reading now and get help.

2. Take time to focus on meeting your own emotional needs

Give yourself permission not to think about your partner or spouse 24 hours a day! Instead, undertake something completely new to occupy yourself.

3. Remind yourself frequently that you are still uniquely smart and lovable

Your spouse may well suggest you’re crazy, so you’ll need to learn to protect yourself. I highly recommend you get the hypnosis audio downloads “Boosting Your Self-Esteem” and “Dealing with Narcissistic Behaviour”. With the help of a professional audio download, self-hypnosis is a user-friendly, affordable and – above all – effective way to help you feel better fast.Discover how it can work for you and which specific download would suit you most.

4. Make good use of your resources

You were born with the most amazing resource – your brain! Among a thousand and one things, it allows you to reflect on yourself, increase your self-awareness, and practice empathy not only for others but also for yourself. So use it to deal with your pre-existing insecurities to protect you better against your spouse’s criticism.

5. Accept that you cannot change your narcissistic husband

If only you could change your spouse! Know that your spouse is incapable of forming worthwhile relationships. They can’t form a truly loving, close relationship and you’re unlikely to ever really get through to them no matter how much love, care and consideration you show them. So, remind yourself often not to take any mean comments personally.

6. Don’t take it personally

See their narcissistic behaviour as a reflection of their insecurities, inabilities and prejudges.

7. Share your experience

Talk to a trusted person. I highly recommend you connect with an online, professional, licensed therapist for the best advice.Alternatively, you could ask for relationship advice from a wise individual in your surroundings – someone you know won’t judge and won’t blab (unless you’re in danger of serious harm).

8. Decide for yourself what is- and what isn’t acceptable behaviour

• Write down what you know you can heck and what is for you unacceptable.
• Discuss it with someone you trust to ensure that you’re not making excuses for their behaviour.
• Set clear boundaries and decide what you need to do for yourself to feel better when you feel slighted by your husband. Stick to it!

You may increasingly feel that you can no longer stay in this marriage. If that’s the case, permit yourself to feel okay about that.Give yourself time to make the right decision, though. 

Can you change your narcissistic spouse?

Put simply: you can’t change your other half or anyone else for that matter – whatever the problem.Not because he is – or could be – narcissistic. But because no one has (or should have) the power over another person to force them to change. And your ‘narcissist’ husband, in particular, is unlikely ever to seek treatment to help him change – of his own accord or because you demanded he should. We change our behaviour based on feedback – positive or negative – self-reflection and self-awareness. Your narcissistic husband lacks the capacity for self-reflection and has little insight into his shortcomings and impact on others. He will see no need to change.

10 tips for surviving living with a mildly narcissistic partner

1. Talk about why our relationships with others are so meaningful and what it means to feel connected with another person.
2. Suggest any behavioural changes (start small) without any reference to wrongdoing on his (or your) part.
3. Emphasise the benefits – to him, you and the relationship of a particular action to build his view of himself as being ‘good’.
4. Talk about what the two of you have achieved in terms of growth, however little. Avoid pointing the finger at all costs!
5. Remind yourself frequently of what you do like about your spouse instead of getting fixated on what you hate.
6. Offer someone else’s opinion about a specific behaviour from your spouse that might have irritated them. Sandwich it very gently between positives, though.
7. Do your best to remind yourself of the connection between their past hurts and their behaviour. The more empathic you feel, the less likely you will get into a spiral of negativity (honouring your boundaries, though).
8. Gain their interest, if you can, in the story of people’s lives around them. Help them focus outward in a fun way – away from me, myself and I. Ask questions such as: Who did something funny at work today? How’s so-and-so getting on with their new project? What’s your favourite kind of personality to be around and why? Etc.
9. Help them understand gradually and gently what others feel and might truly want, need or expect from your husband.
10. And the most important one: BE PATIENT and stick to your boundaries.

How to encourage understanding and empathy

Someone with a diagnosis of NPD, or even with ‘just’ some traits of narcissistic personality disorder, can find criticism particularly challenging. They may respond by behaving rudely and aggressively if criticised. The best thing you can do here is to help your husband recognise that no one is perfect. Each of us, including him, has our share of imperfections and shortcomings.

Try and encourage understanding with some playful conversations together every day. For example:

• Ask them to guess what you’re thinking.
• Likewise, guess what they’re thinking about right now.
• Take turns to have a 10-minute max conversation about your successes, preferences and joys, and your failures, disappointments, and challenges.
• Accept your spouse is going to find 10 minutes chats about his successes a challenge, but insist he listens also to you.

These conversations may help them slowly and gently get some insight into other people’s feelings. You’ll probably need to be pretty patient when you first try these kinds of chats. Please don’t force it and only play when you’re feeling positive, cheerful and generous!

 There may come a time when you feel you’ve had enough, you don’t want to stay married to your narcissistic husband. It’s hard creating a rewarding relationship with someone whose main focus is himself.It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who abuses you! 

You might be lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive friends and family. If so, talk to them, and listen to their take on your relationship. If not, and you need some guidance, I recommend you chat with an online relationship coach to get some insight and actionable advice.

Finally

Living with a narcissistic husband can be exhausting and confusing. Your mental health is at stake, so it’s time to consider if staying married is in your (and your children’s) best interest. Remember, you deserve to be loved, cherished and feel fulfilled.