Living in a narcissistic hell

This is the life story of Sandra. She had a relationship with a 'hidden narcissist' for five years: 'I was stuck in a narcissistic web'

Sandra Markant (53) has been in a relationship with a hidden narcissist for five years. Ultimately, a dream literally wakes her up, after which she delves more into the subject of narcissism, works on herself and leaves her ex-partner. She writes down her story in her book 'Stolen power', a broader view of hidden narcissism . “I was no longer Sandra. My entire identity was gone. I was stuck in a narcissistic web.”
It has now been four years since Sandra decided to leave her ex-partner. In her book she calls him Ralph. “I literally became ill in this relationship. I had all kinds of physical complaints and could not recover from a hernia. My body was spent. I had experienced so much stress for years and had completely fallen apart.”

Mask on and off
During their relationship, Sandra's ex-partner was an energetic, cheerful, charming and friendly man to the outside world. “But that turned out to be a mask.” She explains that there are "overt narcissists" and "covert narcissists." “The environment notices such an open narcissist more easily. That is someone who blows his words, shouts at himself and bluffs. The environment is less likely to recognize the hidden variant. But that also makes it more treacherous. Even a friend of mine didn't believe my stories.”

Sandra has a completely different man at home than how he presents himself in the outside world. “With me he was often closed off and uninterested. Did I say something wrong? Dan was given the silent treatment for three days. He would punish me by ignoring me for days. And the blame was always mine. The difficult thing is that you start to believe in it. That's why I started trying harder and harder.

Narcissistic web

And so Sandra becomes entangled in a toxic relationship for five years. "I've often thought: 'How did it get to this?' I'm not stupid. But you are being subtly manipulated.” Due to a car accident and her toxic relationship, Sandra also develops problems with her brain. “At that time I was taking Neurofeedback treatments. He then took me there and while he sat in the waiting room, he texted with all kinds of other women. He then felt supreme.”

She continues: “I could no longer make decisions, my social contacts disappeared and my world became smaller and smaller. I used to have a wide social network, but I now only have two really good friends left. My job, health and social network all came under pressure because of my relationship."

Sandra labels that isolation as one of the most dangerous developments in such a relationship. “I had lost many of my friends, spent a lot of time at home and was physically exhausted. Those around me no longer saw me and I was no longer Sandra. My entire identity was gone. And I was stuck in a narcissistic web. I really asked myself regularly whether I would make it. It's like walking across a ravine without a safety net.” Sandra eventually stops arguing with Ralph. “In the beginning I was against it, but it destroyed me. That's why I gave in more and more often.”

Red flags of narcissism

Which signals are so-called 'red flags' according to Sandra? “Ralph denied a lot of things. If I brought up something that had happened, he would completely brush it off the table. But belittling, blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility and making myself financially dependent are also dangerous signals.”

Sandra has her own company before her relationship with Ralph. “I was always able to support myself very well. But he eventually volunteered to earn a living. In retrospect, that financial dependence was beneficial for him.”But Sandra also mentions the focus on and attention to other women as a red flag. “I walked with him in the market and I saw that he was constantly looking at every woman and flirting with them. Of course he denied it and dismissed me as jealous.” And say sorry? “No way, Ralph thought making excuses for wimps.”Sandra also calls the speed a 'dangerous signal'. “I was 44 at the time and really thought I had met the man of my dreams. Within five months we were already living together. He suggested that after only three months. I would never have done that so quickly myself. He had only been divorced from his ex-wife for a year and a half at the time. But I got the 'yes, but you are different' approach. Then he told me that he had never felt anything like he did with me. He frequently complained about all his exes. There was something wrong with his ex-partners and it was all their fault. By now people will probably be complaining about me too,” laughs Sandra.

According to Sandra, every narcissist is different. “But they often use the same kinds of tricks. You end up in a game of power and control.”

Reading about narcissism

One night, Sandra wakes up to a voice in her dreams telling her to read books about narcissism. “When I started doing that, I realized: 'I have experienced this.' Without knowing it all along, I had been experiencing narcissistic abuse.”She delves into all kinds of books that can be found about these types of relationships. “I recognized everything in those books. For example, I even read the book Destructive Relationships on the Shovel by Jan Storms twice. Then I had to put it down every now and then because I found it so intense. In it, for example, I read about gaslighting . I didn't know that at all.”

Although Sandra keeps in touch with her ex for a while, the end is finally full. “I never actually explained anything. I thought, 'I never need to see him again' and I cut off all mutual contact and blocked him on everything. Then I would get emails in which he wrote that he 'had to see me'. But eventually it fizzled out. He now has a new girlfriend.”That new friend approached Sandra about her book. “'Is this about him?' she asked me. In the end I told you honestly. She was afraid that, just like in her previous relationships, she had again encountered a narcissist. But in the end I didn't hear from her again.”

Therapy and recovery

Sandra seeks help from therapists. Even while she is still in a relationship with Ralph. “You really need to find a therapist who understands these types of relationship dynamics. When I was in relationship therapy with Ralph, the therapist completely believed his story. I only got angrier and while he had fifty minutes to tell his story, I only got to speak for ten minutes. He took her completely. There are therapists who recognize this type of behavior, but she did not. I contacted her afterwards and told her my story. This therapist thanked me, apologized and admitted that she didn't realize it all along.”Sandra explains that she was struggling immensely in her life at the time. “I had little money and ultimately could not afford expensive therapies. Then I discovered autogenic training online. A kind of hypnosis exercise that allowed me to de-stress, untangle and relax my body. I did that three or four times a day. I went into nature a lot, talked about it with my best friends and learned to embrace myself and put myself first. In a relationship with a narcissist you never come to one conclusion.”

Influence of trauma and childhood on narcissism

But why do you like someone like that? Sandra explains that there is often a link with someone's youth. That was also the case with her. “I come from a 'narcissistic family'. My parents both had traumatic childhoods and in our home there was a lot of manipulation and the feeling of, 'You're not doing it right.' As a result, I have developed an unhealthy way of surviving and believing in which I never considered myself good enough. In addition, as a child I really missed the connection with my parents.”But according to her, the narcissist was also traumatized in his or her youth and struggles with a negative self-image. “Narcissists project that all the way to the outside world and blame others. They often look for an empathetic partner. Partners who care even harder for the narcissist because they want to be seen. Narcissists seek the light of someone else and stand in it. Partners of narcissists often have a lot to offer. They are loving, nurturing or successful. A 'showpiece'. The narcissist flies towards that like a magpie. ”

Doubt in relationships

What if you doubt your own relationship? “Talk about it,” Sandra emphasizes. “Initially with your partner and if he waves everything away, then with family or friends. In these types of relationships, a partner makes all kinds of empty promises that he or she never keeps. And see if you really connect with each other. Not only you with your partner, but also your partner with you.

Are the values, norms and future plans in the relationship something that you both want? Or do you live the life that your partner maps out for you? A healthy relationship is a two-way street, both emotionally and practically. And you are both willing to invest in it. That doesn't happen with narcissists. There is one-way traffic.”

Stolen power, a broader view of hidden narcissism

A car accident and an accidental fall down the stairs ultimately cause Sandra to end up on sick leave. But that also gives her the time to write this book. Sandra honestly admits that she is not quite back to her old self yet. “Recovery simply takes time.” But with her book she hopes to raise awareness about narcissism and toxic relationships.“I hope that I can encourage and inspire partners of a narcissist to step aside and recover. That's difficult, but it is possible. But my book is also intended for the environment. So that they can recognize what might be going on in someone's home. I lacked support in that. These masks are difficult to recognize for outsiders. Sometimes so difficult that therapists, lawyers or lawyers also fall for a narcissist's tricks. I hope my book can help a little. There are many people who experienced the same kind of story.”

The book 'Stolen Power', a broader view of hidden narcissism, is already available through Oorsprong publishers and from June 7 on Bol.com and all bookstores.

You are in the same situation? Seek for help. Call Dr. Anne our therapist 01070806656

EXTRA INFORMATION 

What is narcissism?

It is not unimportant that only a small percentage of people actually have a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic traits are more common , but the vast majority of people are not true narcissists. So be careful when applying that label rigorously. The number of narcissists in Denmark is 0.1 to 6 percent. Of this percentage, three quarters are men.

A narcissist often shows selfish behavior, is dominant, wants to be admired and often lacks empathy. People with narcissistic personality disorder consider themselves more important than others. You can recognize a narcissist by these seven signs.

The brain of a narcissist works differently than a non-narcissist. In a narcissist, a specific network in the brain focuses much more on the outside world. Instead of consulting themselves, they often blame others or the outside world. “Their network tells them that everyone wants to do something to them, is using them or has bad intentions. Others are the problem, not themselves.”

What is gaslighting?

This is a subtle form of manipulation. With  gaslighting,  someone distorts or denies the truth in order to make someone else doubt themselves more and more.